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Some people get in bands because they need to exorcise inner demons. Others get into bands because they want to sniff cocaine from supermodels' cleavages. Still others get in bands because they want to open people's eyes to the injustices of modern society. I got in a band because I wanted to meet girls. It's a simple equation: if you're in a band, girls will want to talk to you. When you're fourteen or fifteen, plagued with gangly limbs, ill-fitting spectacles and the worst haircut in Christendom, the logic is perfect. As a great philosopher once said: "chicks dig guitars." Playing in a band instantly confers a kind of glamour on you: you're not a surly adolescent; you're a tortured artist. You're not writing pathetic, self-pitying sixth-form poetry; you're a lyricist. You're not wearing truly appalling shoes; you're challenging the status quo. You're not a dickhead; you're deep. Just how deep, tortured and lyrical can be seen from the following lyric, of which I was insanely proud at the time:
Good,
eh? The fourth line's the killer one, though:
You can hear the knicker elastic snapping already, can't you? Even when we reached the heady heights of playing bad INXS covers in the assembly hall, the girls seemed more interested in good-looking, muscular blokes than pale and miserable musicians. Maybe they were intimidated by our genius. Or maybe it was our truly appalling shoes, pathetic sixth-form poetry and our tendency to act like dickheads. For some strange reason, hollering your way through a wall of feedback at the local community centre or school hall doesn't seem to work as an aphrodisiac. The sad fact is: yes, girls like guitars. But only when those guitars are wielded by good-looking blokes. Come to think of it, they can take or leave the guitar bit. Being in a band attracts a different type of person altogether: "I see you've got a Boss DD-3 pedal there! What do you set the repeat rate to? I've got a Korg myself, it's fine but I find the stereo separation isn't very good". And when you meet these blokes - they're always blokes - you must smack them in the face with your guitar and throw them bodily through the nearest plate glass window. That's what you imagine doing, anyway. In reality, you politely answer enquiries about the gauge of guitar strings you use (11), the wattage of your amplifier (130), and whether a telecaster is better than a stratocaster (yes). And while you do this, the girls leave with good-looking blokes who, almost certainly, wouldn't know a D chord if it came up and bit them in the arse. If you need to exorcise your inner demons or just like making a noise, by all means start a band. But if you want to meet girls, don't buy a guitar – go to a nightclub instead. |
